Ruth's Diary - No. 20 (3.10)

[JHyde]

Thanks to almh and Beatriz for their suggestions on this one.

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[Early in the morning, July 4th 2005]

On Dad's last birthday before he died, he took me up to London to the the Herne Hill velodrome to cycle around for a few hours. It was a lengthy trip but it what he really wanted to do that day, with me. He'd spent the last few months riding his bike with me around the neighbourhood and I suppose he thought I was confident enough to cope with a velodrome. Dad had high hopes. It was one of the few things he ever forced me into doing.

I was terrified. Herne Hill isn't even as steep as regular velodromes, far from it. But he tried to get me to ride around on the top part, where it was steepest, and I was afraid that I would slip and bring him down with me, crashing all the way to the bottom. It didn't help that a man about my father's age had a horrible crash while we were there. I watched him ride around and around and I just knew it was an accident waiting to happen. It was just a matter of when and how many people came down with him.

Of course, Dad didn't die in a crash in the Herne Hill velodrome. He had a heart attack and I went to boarding school instead. Different sort of crash altogether.

I'm talking about cycling and velodromes and Dad all in an attempt to avoid writing down the few words that will make it so final, so real. Ever since coming to Five, it's been as though I've been racing on the steepest part with these people I work with, these people I love. And today, we all came tumbling down.

Danny is dead. My closest friend in this job, gone forever. And Fiona barely escaped alive. It was her birthday.

A few days ago, Special Forces raided a flat in Dollis Hill which led them to believe that an attack was imminent. Fiona spoke to an asset codenamed Butterfly, who it turned out was a decoy planted by an Iraqi insurgent cell. They deliberately targeted Adam and Fiona after bugging their house - it was all a plant. Fiona and Danny went to look at what they thought was a statistical safe house (as indicated by Butterfly) but instead they were captured by the cell. Then they had Fiona lure Adam to the South Bank where a member of the cell met him and threatened him, revealing that they had Danny and Fiona.

Adam had the presence of mind to phone in his necessary status report and try and tip his hand to me. Earlier in the day he had been telling me all about Fiona and how they met. (I've hardly known two people more in love.) Harry had said yesterday, in all seriousness, that he should get her chocolates and Adam and I sniggered about it. Just one of those silly things Harry says.

So Adam told me on the phone that he had bought her chocolates and my heart went cold. I knew it was a lie - and why would Adam lie unless he was in danger? I ran to Harry and begged him to take me seriously. And twenty five minutes later I was showing Harry CCTV footage of Adam with the woman who had been sent to threaten him.

It was Adam's friend, Zaf, who figured out a way to get close to Adam, close enough to place a tracker and give him an earpiece. Which was how we knew what happened next.

Danny and Fiona managed to stage a break out after killing a guard but were caught before they could escape. Which their chief captor used as an excuse to execute one of them. He told Adam it was his choice.

But Danny. He was so brave and I could hear how frightened he was. And he essentially provoked the man so much that he didn't wait for Adam, didn't force him to choose. Danny chose himself. To die so that Fiona might live.

And we all listened. We heard it all happen. Sam lost it altogether and had to be sedated and I tried to speak with Adam but he ditched the ear piece and the tracker and slipped through the net around the hotel where he was with Katera, the woman. She insisted Adam take her to the Iranian embassy where the PM was due to speak. The kidnappers' manifesto was that the PM was not to go, but it was Zaf (again) who saw the flaw. They WANTED the PM to go to the embassy.

Which was where Adam was with Katera as she showed him that she was being used as a bomb. Even more grotesque than those who strap bombs to their bodies, there were chemicals and a small amount of explosives implanted in her body. With Fiona's captor holding the default trigger.

Adam hadn't actually ditched the ear piece, he still had it. It was with that he was able to tell us where Fiona was. And only just in time too. Fiona had been doused in petrol and about to be burned when Special Forces stormed the building.

I went with Harry to the scene. I wanted to be with Danny. He was all alone when he died, even with Fiona in the same room, all alone. So I stood by his body on the guerney and and stroked his head. I am so angry - no matter how good, how brave Danny's death, it doesn't compensate for the fact that he died so young. Tom and Zoe left under circumstances that were less than good, but they are still out there - talking, interacting with people. They're still warm and breathing and with people they love. And Danny is downstairs at Thames House, cold in the morgue and alone.

I worry that this job leaves us all alone, at the end. But we all die alone anyway. I just worry about what happens when we get up again, start riding the track again. Another crash can't be far away.

Danny is dead. And somewhere in Chile, sometime today, Zoe will think of her best friend and smile.

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Please review!

[Tea Lady]

Wow, that was an excellent entry. Really liked the velodrome analogy. Typical Ruth to also think of others at that sort of time. It would be lovely to think that Zoe never found out, and was living happily, thinking Danny was still alive and still her friend.

[A Cousin]

Nice! This is such a pivotal episode for Ruth. You handled it very well.

A few things I particularly liked:

- The connection between Ruth's father and Danny's death/Fiona's birthday. It helps to explain the emotional Ruth reaction beyond just liking Danny.

- I had never thought about it before but this is the perfect place where Ruth really begins to internalize the idea that the job will leave them "all alone in the end." Is it worth even committing to any of the people she works with if they are just going to go away in the end? She can't help but care for them.

- I like that you didn't dwell on Harry apart from mentioning the chocolates as her tip off that something was wrong. There is a lot of H/R in that episode, but I don't think either one of them are at all conscious of it at that point. However, if I may suggest that I wouldn't have minded addressing Ruth's reaction to Harry when he comes back telling them that they won't do deals with terrorists. Not for any H/R reason but because Ruth is struggling at that moment with reconciling the personal with the professional.

[Aria]

Really great entry, JHyde. Loved the mention of Ruth's father and the analogy of the velodrome. Brilliant last line but my favourite part is "I worry that this job leaves us all alone, at the end. But we all die alone anyway. I just worry about what happens when we get up again, start riding the track again. Another crash can't be far away". The realisation that they are all in danger by doing their jobs and another death is never far away is heartbreaking.

[lwhite53]

Great entry JHyde -- the velodrome analogy was inspired! And the last line is chilling -- so much waste, so much sadness. This is definitely one of you best pieces -- thanks for the privilege.

[JHyde]

I'm so glad you liked it, guys. I know this episode is a favourite on the forum so I spent a lot of time on this one.

Thanks so much for reviewing, it really means a lot.

[Silktie]

Lovely, very well done. Some great images here, and it was a good idea to link Danny's death to Ruth's feelings about her father. It's very true that the death of someone close to you brings back memories of the deaths of all the other people you lost. Also agree that what happened to Danny should overshadow the Ruth/Harry moments we saw in this episode - but glad the chocolate reference still made it in!

[Nia M]

Have finally managed to catch up on all the Ruth's diary entries.

This one was the most touching yet, not least because of the episode it refers to, but the way in which you've written it was just perfect. To start off with the anecdote of Ruth and her father, and then convey her grief for Danny was just beautiful, and if it weren't for the fact that I had my contacts in, I'd most certainly be crying.

Also, being the Zoe fan that I am, I love the last line too.