The gruinard Project Chapter 33

[khandy]

Chapter 33

Lucas North’s Flat 19.00hrs

Kate climbed the stairs to Lucas’ flat; she was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. While today had not been a total write off, it could hardly have been called a success. She had watched helplessly as one by one the tiny guinea pigs had lost their fight for life. The last one had lived for nine hours but what use was that? If the attack took place and people were infected then all they were doing was prolonging the inevitable. The Kate of a week ago would have been hoping that the terrorists would get the concentration of the bacteria wrong. Too large and the bacteria would not be able to pass into the lungs, too small and they would be expelled without causing an infection. It would be wishful thinking though to believe that these people would make such an elementary mistake; the new tougher Kate realised they were dealing with clever resourceful people.

The door opened silently as she approached; MI5 must have fitted security cameras in the hallway, they were obviously taking no chances with security arrangements around Lucas.

“Good Evening Dr Masters. Mr North is with his family and the Doctor.”

“The Doctor is still here?”

“Yes Lucas, I mean Mr North, he keeps remembering things.” The young agent shuddered slightly thinking of some of the things he had heard that day.

Voices could be heard from the lounge Dr Roberts was clarifying where Lucas was.

“I’m alone in a room, restrained in a hard chair by leather straps. Its freezing, I’m naked but despite the cold he won’t give me any clothes.”

“Who is he Lucas? “

“Kachimov. God please tell him to turn it off!” Lucas pleaded.

“Turn what off Lucas?”

“A light, he is shining it in my face. It is so bright it hurts”

Kate walked to the door, she hadn’t intended to eavesdrop but the raw emotion in Lucas’ voice stopped her from entering the room. He began recounting the conversation using a heavy Russian accent for one person and his own for the other.

“Do you miss them Lucas, your family?”

“Yes.”

“They don’t miss you. They are glad you have gone.”

“No that is not true.”

“Yes it is. They are glad to be rid of the child who they thought of as a freak.”

“No they wouldn’t think that.”

“Yes Lucas the freak. Always needing attention.”

“No I didn’t”

They hate you for not telling them what you do.”

“I did it to protect them.”

“No you didn’t trust them. You used them.”

“No, no, no!”

“They never speak of you, nobody mentions you. You are the forgotten man.”

“My brother wouldn‘t forget me”

“As yes Marcus, he is glad you have gone. He doesn’t have to come second to a freak anymore.”

“No Marcus is my friend.”

“Face it you have no friends.”

“Marcus wouldn’t say that.”

“Oh he would, he has a new girlfriend, he does not mention you”

“It’s not true.”

“Yes Lucas nobody cares about you. Lucas you have no friends.”

“I do have friends.”

“Do you? Where are they? Where is Harry Pearce? He has left you.”

“No.”

“Yes they have abandoned you, they are not coming to get you.”

“They will come!” Lucas shouted.

“No you screwed up Harry Pearce won’t waste time on a loser like you.”

“I am not a loser,” Lucas cried.

“Yes you are a loser. You are a worthless fool. You are not worth anything to them. They are glad you got caught.”

“That is not true, it’s not true.”

“It is true you are expendable, you mean nothing. You are nothing.”

Lucas sobbed.

“Look at you sitting there in your own excrement. You dirty pathetic loser. You are worthless scum.”

“I’m not worthless.”

“You are a pathetic piece of worthless garbage. What are you Lucas! You are a turd. Nobody loves you. Nobody gives a damn about you. What are you?”

The only answer was a scream that seemed to come from the depths of his soul.

“Do you want to feel that again, what are you?”

“Nothing.” Kate had to strain to hear Lucas.

“What are you?”

“I’m nothing.”

“Louder!”

“I’m nothing.”

Sobbing filtered through the door. Kate moved as if in a trance into the kitchen. She sank to a chair at the table shaking badly trying to make sense of what she had heard. The other door into the kitchen, the one leading off from the lounge, opened suddenly and Helen stumbled through. She moved blindly to the sink, tears streaming down her face. She turned the taps on using the sound of the water to mask the noise of her sobs.

Kate moved to her side and put her arms around her, tears leaking from beneath her closed lids both offering and taking comfort. After a short while she drew away.

“I don’t know about you but I need a drink.” She reached into the cupboard for glasses. “What would you like, whisky, vodka, or wine?”

Helen sniffed and drew in couple of calming breaths.

“Wine please.” She watched as Kate poured her wine and then a generous shot of whisky for herself. As she sat down, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Marcus leading Lucas to the bathroom.

“Kate you work for MI5, explain to me how this can happen, how can international law be flouted so easily?”

“I don’t know,” Kate said, not correcting Helen about who she worked for.

“I’m going to leave now; the nurse has my number should you need me. I will be back tomorrow.” Dr Roberts spoke from the doorway.

The anger that was simmering in Helen over Lucas’ appalling treatment boiled over.

“How can you put him through this? How is it helping? Besides the physical trauma you are making him relive, you are making him relive the psychological trauma. That last session, it was as if Lucas was in one of those monologue plays sitting alone on a stage. He told you he was naked strapped in a chair while they told him hour after hour how we had all forgotten him how worthless he was. Hounding him repeatedly, how does reliving that help!?”

“He has to learn to face it and realise it is not true. I know it’s hard but it’s what Lucas needs. You all just have to reassure him that you never forgot him.”

The doctor turned and left.

“It’s ok for him he can walk away,” she said.

Kate took a sip of her whisky.

“That’s why he is good at what he does. If he got involved he couldn’t do his job,” she told Helen.

Marcus came into the kitchen and gave his wife a kiss.

“Kate’s right sweetheart it is the doctor’s job. Lucas seems ok with it so we have to be as well. Lucas is having a soak in the tub, he is asking for you Kate.”

Kate glanced at the bathroom and felt a swift chill pass over her as she remembered what had happened the last time she had gone to Lucas in the bathroom.

Marcus noticed her shiver.

“He’ll understand if you don’t want to be alone in there with him.”

Kate looked at Marcus, he was right Lucas would understand but it would still hurt him. Despite her fears she had to show him that she would not abandon him.

“I know he could hurt me if he has a flashback but I can’t run from that fear.” She poured some juice and picked up her own drink.

She walked to the bathroom door. Holding the two glasses in one hand so she could open the door, her other hand trembled slightly as she lowered the handle.

Glancing back at Marcus and Helen she smile hesitantly.

“I will leave the door unlocked,” she said as she entered.

Lucas was laid back in the water his head resting on a towel. At first she thought he was asleep but then his head turned towards her. It was as if a multitude of emotions passed across his face as he realised it was her not Marcus. Pushing up in the water so he was sitting he reached out a hand to her.

“I missed you,” he spoke quietly.

She took his hand hoping that if she did her fear of being in the confined space with him would recede.

“I missed you as well.”

His fingers curled around hers gently entwining but not restraining her intuitively knowing that she was scared, if not of him then the setting they were in. His finger tip stroked her wrist causing her pulse to flutter. She lowered herself to the floor by the side of the bath and handed him the fruit juice.

“I came home towards the end of your session with Dr Roberts; it was tough for me to listen to, so I can only imagine how much worse it was for you.”

“I think it was worse for Marcus and Helen. For me it was just a relief to get the visions under control. Sorting out what was real, and what were just them tormenting me.”

“You mean like telling you everybody had forgotten you.”

“Yeah for the longest time I believed that. I was in that hell hole so long it wasn’t difficult to believe.”

“I can’t speak for the others, although from what I have observed of your family and friends I would say that they thought about you every day of the eight years you were away, but I can say that for me I never forgot you. I have something to share with you when you have finished your bath, a little bed time reading.”

“Like a fairytale?” Lucas said with a smile.

“Not quite but I think it will help bring about a happy ending.”

“Well that means a kiss then,” Lucas said impishly. “And you’re slacking; Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder or any of the Bond lovelies would have seduced your hero James by now.”

She smiled and kissed him gently.

“But like you said you’re not James Bond. Do you want me to scrub your back?”

“No…” he paused and then grinned cheekily, “but I would like to scrub yours.”

She glanced at the door knowing they were very far from being alone.

“They won’t come in unless you call them” Lucas told her.

Her heart was hammering in her chest. How was it possible to love somebody, to trust them with your life and yet be scared of them?

Lucas sighed aware of her hesitation and the reason for it, he swallowed the bitter taste of disappointment back down.

“I’m rushing you Kate, I’m sorry.”

She placed a finger to his lips and slowly shook her head from side to side.

“No don’t say sorry. It‘s me not you. I have to deal with this and I’m going to, just give me a minute.” She took a deep breath forcing herself to calm down. “I’m going to need a hug though.”

Lucas watched as she slowly slipped out of her clothes and slid into the warm water in front of him. She settled back against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her; again they touched her but did not restrained. He held her like this for several minutes listening to her talk about her day. At some point he picked up the sponge and began to soap her body. His touch was so soft and soothing that Kate felt the tension slip from her body.

“You are really good at this I could get used to it. It’s a good job this tub is so big.” she sighed.

“It was one of the things that drew me to the place, most bath tubs are too small for me.”

“So long as I’m the only one you share it with,” she told him sternly.

The gentle knock on the door had Kate slipping lower in the water in case anybody came in.

“Dinner in ten minutes you two,” Marcus called.

“Much as I would like to stay here with you, they will come in if we don’t get out,” Lucas told her.

“Oh well ok if we must. The water’s getting cool anyway.”

Lucas and Kate both making excuses of tiredness disappeared off to bed once they had finished the meal Helen had prepared. Lucas was settled beneath the covers when Kate came in clutching a book in her hands. She slipped under the covers and handed the book to Lucas, who looked at her puzzled.

“This looks like a diary, Kate surely it’s personal?” he said.

“It is a diary, open it and see who it is written to.”

He opened the book, on the inside page was an inscription.
To

Mr Tall Dark and Handsome

Ramblings of the woman who loves you

And

Who will always remember

A Weekend in Brighton



Lucas looked up, a hundred questions racing through his mind.

“Just read the first entry,” Kate whispered.


November 1st 2000

Dear Tall, Dark and Handsome (TDH)

I am not sure why I am writing to you. I think it is because I find myself wondering if you are a figment of my imagination. Sometimes it feels as if you were just some ghost or phantom. The thing is that I know that you were real. It wasn’t like some film where the hero disappears and the hotel staff claim he was never there, the hotel staff all remembered you. They remarked that it was a pity you had to leave early because of work.

It was awful waking alone. I guess you must have left early as the sheets your side of the bed were cool. Your head had left an imprint in the pillow and your scent clung to the sheets. I tried not to cry at your disappearance, it is not as if you promised me anything but TDH losing you was as painful as losing my Grandfather. I realise how foolish I was for not asking your name. It seemed so rebellious and daring but now that I’m alone I feel so stupid. I have spent the week wondering how I can find you. I’m too much of a coward to go to the hotel and ask your name. I mean only loose woman spend nights with strangers and not exchange names. The thing is I don’t feel loose or cheap. I feel special, special and desired. You made me feel like that.

I spent Wednesday in Debenhams smelling men’s aftershave until I found the one you were wearing. It was by Dior. I bought a bottle and have sprayed it on my old teddy. I think if I am reminded of your scent I will be able to keep hold of your memory. The sense of smell is powerful and it is well documented how it stirs memories.

I went back to Brighton today and walked around all the places we went, hoping to see you, but of course I didn’t. But somehow just going where we had been made you seem closer.

I have decided to continued to write to you like this I’m sure if people knew they would say I was mad but I could talk to you about anything; you made me feel as if you were really listening. One day if we never meet again I am sure that the need to talk to you will pass but for now I need to do this.

Stay safe and well

Love Kate xxxx.

Lucas’ eyes blazed with unshed tears

“When did you last write to me?”

“Yesterday. I never stopped writing.” Kate reached up and touched his cheek. “You were never forgotten no matter what they told you.”

“Thank you Kate I will treasure this moment. To let me read something so private and personal is an unbelievable gift.”

Taking the book from his hand she pulled him close.

“You can read the others but for now will you please just hold me?”

Lucas kissed her gently and pulled her close. The drugs meant that he couldn’t make love to her but for now they were content to lay kissing and cuddling feeling closer now than ever.