Series 10, the parody - Part 2

[Annie]

[Harry's Office]

Harry was sitting behind his desk with a lot of photos and papers spread out in front of him. He was sipping whiskey and feeling sorry for himself, regretting the day he ever met... that there guy. In his head he had even come to almost refer to him as that. One day when he had nothing to do at home, he had switched on the telly, and some version of Robin Hood had been on. There was a chap on there who bore a strong resemblance to JohnLucasJohn, and ironically it seemed that he didn't have a name either as people alway referred to him as That Guy...

It was that guy's fault that Harry was in a great big bog of trouble right now. Well, some of it was William Tower's fault to for 1; overreacting like an ass just because Harry had let the guy sell the Chinese a secret super-weapon that didn't even work, and 2; getting himself kidnapped and make everyone suspect Harry had anything to do with it. And on top of it all, now they had a band of rogue agents from... well, probably somewhere around Chernobyl, judging by the looks of them, to take care of.

It wasn't fair.


[Tariq's desk]

"It's no use", Tariq said with a sigh. "I've run the input through every language ever recorded, as well as all known code languages including l33t, Dog Latin and Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe. It's none of them!"

"I still think it could be some tribal language from a remote part of the Soviet Union, or China," Ruth protested. "Please try again!"

Tariq looked remorsefully at the 14 empty plastic cups on his desk. Each one of them had held some different kind of energizing beverage, to keep him going for 56 hours without a chance to sleep. "Alright," he said.

"Are you absolutely sure it's not Swedish?" Dimitri asked. "I thought it sounded a lot like that Swedish chef on Muppet Show."

"Sweden does not have it's own space shuttles," Ruth explained.

"Well, maybe they are just working for some other country's government?" Dimitri suggested.

"It's not Swedish" Tariq said. "It is obvious that this is not an Earthly language. Why can't the government just admit it? We have made contact with aliens."

"And get the CIA crawling all over the place?" Ruth asked sarcastically."And probably the FSB as well. Harry would love that."


[Chinese Secret Hiding Place, London]

"Has Peach Blossom reached her destination yet, o magnificent Slithering Snake?" Bei Mu Yi asked, as she clipped on her wireless communication device, shaped like a green jade tiger earring.

Shang Xin Li looked a little pale, perhaps it was just from having lived in a basement for five months. "Not yet, honorable Mystical Predicament," he said with a smile that looked somewhat strained.

"Do you mean something has happened?" asked Shi Bai Lun, who was the most blunt of them. It probably came with being an assassin.

"It was nothing we could have predicted, highly respected Blade of Cruel Death!" Shang explained, his smile frosen in a toothy grin. Smal drops of perspiration was forming on his face. "Peach Blossom has taken a little detour, to avoid attention. She will be delayed by a few hours at most. We still have oceans of time, o Blade Master."

"But what has happened?" Blade asked.

"Yesterday night..." Snake explained, "Peach Blossom came in the vicinity of a construction site. Our most honourable organization could never have predicted that a water pipe would burst below that exact street. Because she is programmed to think for herself, she turned around to avoid being detected. Unfortunately, the only place she found to hide in, was in the back of a delivery truck, which then took off with her..."

Mystic looked about ready to faint at the revelation. Blade rammed his head into the wall repeatedly.

"She got out again," Snake revealed shakily. "Our highly intelligent Peach Blossom hid herself in a crate full of grapes that was delivered to a Greek restaurant. There she escaped and began plotting her new course. She will get there soon, we still have oceans of time, I assure you!"


[Grid]

"There is someone here to see you, Harry", Beth informed her boss, who sat cradling a mostly empty bottle of scotch.

"I don't have time for social plesantry right now," Harry replied. "I have more important things to think about."

"Well, one of them is Home Secretary Towers," Beth revealed. "So you obviously didn't kill him after all, and maybe he can explain what is going on."

"Show him in then," Harry grumbled, "But I'm not offering him any whiskey!"


[Tariq's desk, covered in empty cans of Battery and Red Bull]

"No, Beth! It's NOT Greek!" said Dimitri.

"I didn't say it was," Beth defended herself, "I just said that was what it sounded like to me!"

"C-cc-can y-you t-t-two-oo p-pleas-se g-go somew-w-where else to bb-b-bicker?" Tariq asked, shaking violently from energizer overdose.


[Harry's office]

"Harry, my dear old friend!" said William Towers as he came in the door. Harry immediately got suspicious.

"Who's your new protegé, William?" he asked, referring to the pale, scrawny youngster that followed the Home Sec ito the office.

"This is James!" Towers explained. "He's my new personal assistant. There is nothing you can say to me that you can't say in front of him. Where I go, he goes!"

"Yes, I've made that mistake too," said Harry.

"Anyway," Towers contined, "I'm here to tell you that everything worked out, and that there won't be any hearing over that boring Albany business. It's not like the Chinese can make it work, and we need you and your expertise in these trying times."

"Well, I'm pleased to hear that," Harry replied, very releaved but still somewhat confused about this sudden turn of events. Besides, something seemed off about young James. When he looked at him for a few seconds, it was almost like his outline changed a bit. At one point Harry was sure he saw a thin, spaghetti-like tentacle emerge from his ear, just to blend back into his body a second later. Then he remembered how much he had had to drink, and dismissed it.

"See you later, old chap! Cheerio!" Towers said, heading out the door. Harry found another bottle of single malt from inside his desk, and unceremoniously popped it open.


[Dimitri's Dangerous Corner]

"And when you add nitroglycerin to citric acid you get a solution that has... Alec, are you listning?"

"I'm sorry," said Alec. "I was just distracted for a moment."

"Beth's not gonna go out with you," Dimitri said. "You're old enough to be her dad."

"I wasn't looking at her, honestly," Alec replied. "Did you see that young bloke who came in with Towers?"

"He wasn't my type," Dimitri said, "So I didn't pay much attention."

"There was something odd about him," Alec explained. "For a second ot looked like his hair was moving on it's own..."

"Alec, have you been drinking again?" Dimitri asked in an annoyed tone.

"No, I haven't!" Alec answered slightly offended. "You know that I stopped drinking yesterday!"


[Basment with Chinese Agents]

"Calm down, Shang. Just tell us what happened now!"

Slithering Snake, also known as Shang, was so pale now that only his hair and eyes were visible against the large white screen behind him. "It's nothing. Peach Blossom has human intelligence, and will find her way to her destination. She has just decided to go on a little sight-seeing, that's all!"

Bei, also known as Mystic, pushed Snake aside and switched the wireless connection to Peach Blossom back on.

"Oh no! Not British Museum!"


[Grid]

"Tariq? Tariq, are you OK?"

"I'm f-f-f-f-fine, reall-l-l-lyy-y."

"Good, because I've just thought of something we may not have tried yet." Ruth sounded rather pessimistic.

"O-OK. Wha-at is th-that, then-n?"

"Klingorn. Many people actually speak it. It's possible that this rogue organization trains their recruits using it... Tariq? Tariq?!"

"I think we better put him on the sofa in the coffee room for a while."