Series 10, the parody - Part 4

[Annie]

In this chapter, things turn a bit tragi-comic.


[Interrogation Room, Thames House, London]

"I do not believe it! Loocas vould never do anything like that! It is not like him to murder people!"

"I'm awfully sorry, but we have proof that he did. He had us all fooled, Elizabeta." Ruth was aware that she didn't sound too comforting, but s*d it! She'd already had a very long day, and had been anticipating going home and watching X-Factor, not listning to Russian ladies having nervous breakdowns in the interview room.

"Don't you think meester Katchimov vould have known?" Elizabeta asked, desperately. At the sound of the name, Harry downed his drink in one gulp and poured another. Suddenly, a lightbulb seemed to flash above Elizabeta's ponytailed head. "That's it, of course. Those mongrels did this to him! He was brainwashed, I'm sure of it!"

"If by mongrels you mean your bosses," Harry said, "then you Russians must be years ahead of us when it comes to time travel. Ha ha! Get that? Years ahead. Time travel! Because Johnny Boy made a terrorist of himself long before your buddy Arkady ever had the pleasure of meeting him."

"Harry, I think it's time I drive you home!" Ruth said sternly. "I'll have Dimitri take Elizabeta to a safe house. She can't go home in this state."

"But she's got a kid!" Harry protested. Elizabeta let out a small shriek and started sobbing violently.

"What is wrong?" Ruth asked, shocked by the reaction.

"He wasn't my kid!" Elizabeta bawled. "Meester Katchimov hypnotized me and Gary to think we had a boy, and then picked Boris up from an orphanage in Smolensk. I was so happy, but vhen Gary and I got divorced, Gary and his snotty new girlfriend got to keep him because they veren't foreign spies! It's so unfair! Loocas vould have understood!"


[Coffee Room]

"Is he still unconscious?" Dimitri asked with a worried glance towards Tariq, who was passed out on the sofa. "Maybe we pushed him too hard?"

"He's sleeping soundly, like a baby," Alec replied. "No need to worry. Let's just leave him here overnight to catch up on sleep. Then he'll already be here to resume the translation when he wakes. Saves him the commute, eh?"

"Sure," said Dimitri. "That is actually very conciderate of us!"

"Wanna pop down to the pub?" Alec asked. "For a glass of orange juice, I mean. There is a game on."

"Nah, not a football fan, me," Dimitri answered. "We can head over to my place, have a Jaws watching marathon. You need to get out a bit, Alec. I'm pretty sure that's where Lucas... John went wrong. All those ghastly women when what he really needed was mates.

"I was under the impression you quite liked women."

"I do, just not ghastly ones."

"Right."


[Basement with those agents]

"The signal is back!" Mystic shouted triumphantly. "She has not been captured!"

"Where is she?" Snake asked. "Not still in the museum, I hope!"

"I don't think so," Mystic said. "It's been a couple of hours since she crawled out from under that crinoline she was hidening beneath. The signal was lost when she climbed into the ventilator shute, so I believe she's outside now."

"I think I hear waves," Blade said. "Is she on a boat?"

"I sure do hope not!" answered Mystic.

"Then why has the scenery begun moving?" Blade asked. "She's sailing down the Thames like a fallen leaf on the river Yangtze!"

"She's sailing up the Thames!" Mystic revealed. "I think she must be on a tourist boat."

"That settles it!" said Snake. "Blade, you need to go out there to intercept her and guide her back on course! Don't get seen, and spare no one."

"I have a better idea!" Mystic said, getting a pair of sunglasses and an oversized camera from a briefcase. "Do your best clueless tourist act. Shouldn't be too hard, concidering neither of you two have actually been outside this place since we arrived."


[Harry's Office, 12 hrs later]

Harry had a splitting headache. It was hard to focus, but he had to prepare himself for the meeting with Home Secretary Towers, and probably James of the fuzzy outline as well, later in the day. Ruth and Tariq were sure that they had made the first official contact with sentinent aliens, and he was fairly certain that was the case. But how was he supposed to convince that pretencious buffoon William Towers about that? Towers believed what it suited him to believe. Harry coud almost hear him. "No, Harry, we don't have terrorists living in Britain! No, Viktor won't make a mess of your team's operation! No, Harry, no one can possibly find Albany. And NO, Harry... there are no little green men!"

And now he had recieved a call about a mysterious incident at British Museum the day before. A rogue robot was on the loose. Any other man would have suspected a prank, but not Harry. He just knew, deep inside, that this was either the work of A - the Russians, B - the Chinese, C - the aliens, D - all of the above. Once again he regretted not having retired. But if he had, then who would save the world? You want something done, do it yourself.


[Grid, Main Room]

"It was really nice of you to let Elizabeta stay over with you," Beth said. "I just hope you didn't make her do the laundry, like I had to."

"Unlike you," Ruth replied, "she is actually grateful. Did the dishes without me even having to ask. Only thing was that she just couldn't stop crying. Of course I do understand how she's feeling. But it was pretty upsetting. This morning I thought it was over and that she had calmed down, but when I mentioned going to work and offered to drop her off on the way, the waterworks started again."

"So where is she now?" Dimitri asked. "Don't tell me you went all softhearted again and let her stay?"

Ruth didn't answer.

"Evershed!" Dimitri said sternly, "You can't keep that crazy woman at your flat! First of all, she is an enemy agent, and second, she has gone completely mental! Didn't you hear how she talked about brainwashing and time travel, and completely refused to believe Lucas killed all those people?"

"She's grieving!" Ruth argumented. "She's had a dreadful shock. It's not easy to think straight in situations like that. Besides, I doubt she is with the FSB anymore. There is nothing more she can help them with now that Lucas is gone."

"Oh, there will be, if you and her get all friendly!" Dimitri said. "Haven't you learned?"

Ruth shot him a poisonous stare.

"Maybe we can turn her?" Beth suggested. "She must know a few things. Concidering Harry murdered the two other possible assets we could have had, we must make do with what we can get."

"And you murdered the third," Dimitri said with a grin.

"He deserved it!!" Beth said with passion.

"We are not turning her," Ruth stated firmly. "It was against Lucas' wish, and she has no real affiliation with the FSB other than having given Lucas some instructions."

"Don't tell me we are honouring Lucas' wishes?" Dimitri said incredulously. "He betrayed us! Lucas has no rights to our loyalty anymore."

"Yes, we are honouring them," said Ruth. "John was the one who betrayed us, and John was not Lucas."

"Don't you start too!" Dimitri said in frustration. "You mustn't let Harry hear you talk like that, or he'll say you've got Stockholm syndrome too, because Lucas held you captive. And you need to get rid of Lizzy before you go as gaga as she has!"

"She's not crazy!" said Ruth, "She's in shock."

"Evershed..."

"Yes."

"Shush!"

[loladom]

Just cleaning the coffee off my screen! Laughed out loud, this series is hilarious.

[HellsBells]

Love the Chinese in this fic. The characters are so funny, it is great fun.

[Annie]

I'm glad you like this nonsense! Writing disrespectful fanfiction about characters you actually like a lot, is very rewarding in its own strange way.

[BravoNine]

You know, somehow I think watching this actually happening on my screen would have been even more amusing than the actual Series 9!

At least this is hilarious!