Series 10, the parody - Part 5

[Annie]

[Harry's Office]

"Top of the morning, Harry, old chap!" said HS Towers, as he came in the door with young James in tow.

"It's noon, William," Harry replied dryly. "Let's get down to business, shall we. "We've got the autopsy report on agent North, and there is also the incident at the museum."

"I see," said Towers. "Did the autopsy report reveal anything significant?"

"It did indeed," Harry answered. "They found implants in his brain. The technology is so far unidentified, but the scientists who analyzed them said it is very advanced. Only a superpower would have the ability to create something like this. It seems Lucas North may have been controlled by outside forces."

"That is outrageous!" Towers stated. "It must have happened in Russia. Did you not have him properly examined when he returned?"

"Yes, " said Harry. "He was found to be fit as a fiddle. We did not have his brain scanned, however. Who would seriously have thought he could have brain implants? It's pure sci-fi! Besides, he was perfectly normal for two years after his return. The implantation may well have happened at a later point."

"How unlike you, Harry!" Towers said. "Normally you'd have insisted it had to be the Russians!"

"These are not normal circumstances," Harry argued. "A few days ago we made contact with a space ship that tried to communicate with us in a so far unidentified language. Yesterday, what seemed to be a spy robot was on the loose in British Museum. There is something very strange going on here, William. We cannot dismiss any possibility."

"Oh yes, your little green men!" Towers said, wiggling his fingers to indicate antennas. "Oh come on, Harry! You've been in this game longer than most. Surely you don't believe this nonsense about aliens coming from space to invade Britain! There are other threats that need much more of your attention. Real threats. Look, Harry, I have all respect for your many years of experience, and I'll try to be on your side, but if the government find out that you believe in little ETs and Alfs coming to get us, they may think it is indeed time you retired. "

Young James, who had been taking notes like furious, looked up with a sheepish grin. Harry realised he intensely disliked this little punk. From now on it didn't matter how much Towers protested, his scrawny secretary-boy could stay out of Thames house.

"Yes, William," said Harry, "I have had this job for many years, and I've seen Home Secretaries come and go. Some of them walked away in shame after not listening to advice."

James still had that silly grin on his face, and now Harry could see that there indeed was something odd about him; His teeth were moving up and down as if someone were playing the piano on them. Either he had a serious case of gum disease, or Harry had the kind of hallucinations Alec was prone to after drinking too much.

"I really don't see us getting any further here today," said Towers. "I need to get back to work. Call me if something actually interesting should happen. Pip-pip ta-ta!"

On his way out the door, Towers nearly collided with Ruth who was on her way in with a sheet of paper.

"What did he just say?" she asked.

"There is something very strange going on here, Ruth!" Harry said. "William Towers has been acting mysteriously and speaking in an odd manner for several days now. I'm worried that he's either got a drinking problem or that his job is becoming too much for him. The man could become a liability, not to mention that he still won't listen about the alien encounter. Is that the translation?"

"No," Ruth said. "It's the autopsy results for Vaughn Edwards. You won't believe this, Harry. He had brain implants too!"

"What?!" Harry blurted. "The same sort Lucas had?"

"Almost," said Ruth. "Only difference was the colour. Lucas' were tiny metal spheres made from an unknown blue metal. Vaughn's were green, also of an unknown material. I think this could be very serious, Harry."

"I need a drink!"


[Somewhere in London]

"Blade of Cruel Death? Blade of Cruel Death, can you hear me?"

"I hear you, Mystical Predicament."

"Blade, where are you?"

"I'm on the dock where the sight-seeing boats leave from," came Blade's voice from over the wireless spy equipment. "I'm ready to intercept Peach when she arrives. Is she far away?"

Mystic looked at the little green dot on the interactive spy-map of London, indicating where Peach Blossom was. "No, she's probably on the next boat that's coming back in."

"I can see the dock from her video transmission," said Snake. "And now I can see Blade as well. Mystic, tell him to stop photographing women! That camera is for recording evidence!"


[Outside Ruth Evershed's Flat]

"Elizabeta," Ruth called, "Are you ready? Dimitri is here to take you to the safe house."

"Yes, I'm coming now, " Elizabeta answered. "Why can't I go home?"

"Harry would like to have a few words with you," Ruth explained. "And he can't be seen going to the house of an enemy spy."

"OK," said Elizabeta. "Goodbye, Ruth. Thank you for your hospitality. You are a good person."

"You're welcome," said Ruth. "Stay safe. Oh, Dimitri... is that really necessary?"

"I'm afraid it is," Dimitri said, tying a blindfold on Elizabeta. "We can't let the enemy know the locations of our safe houses."

"Your name is Dimitri?" Elizabeta said in surprise.

"Yes, it is. And no, I'm Greek."

"Oh, of course."


[Dock by River Thames]

It wasn't easy to spot Peach Blossom between all the much taller humans coming off the boat, but Blade was trained to see tiny details. He didn't even have to chase after the little robot, it came running up to him like a dog happy to see its master again. Blade snatched it up, hid it under his coat, and made his way towards the new release spot.

After sending Peach on her way he pulled up his camera, and resuming his tourist act he started heading towards the secret hide-out.


[Secret Hide-out]

"Oh no!"

"What is it NOW, Snake?"

"She's following him."

"Who? Blade?"

"Yes, Mystic. I think Peach Blossom has developed separation anxiety!"

"Well, then!" said Mystic, clipping on her jade tiger "earring", "Blade will just have to lead her to her destination!"

"This is failure!" Snake wailed. "This is epic failure. The whole reason for spending 12 years developing Peach Blossom, the worlds most advanced spy-bot, was that she would be able to act independently!"

"She's just a baby," said Mystic. "It's her first mission after all. She'll grow out of it. Besides, Blade is only going to escort her, she'll have to do the actual job herself when she gets there."


[Safe House]

"Vhat vas it you vanted to talk to me about, meester Pierce?" Elizabeta asked. Harry detected a slight nervousness in her voice.

"Lucas," said Harry. "I can give you some details about his downfall, but I need something in return."

Elizabeta's ears perked up. "Vhat do you vant from me?" she asked, apprehensievely.

"Just one thing," said Harry. "Your full and complete loyalty. If you agree to work for us, and only for us, I will tell you everything I know about Lucas, as well as what we may uncover later. You will not need to do any top grade spying, just keeping an open eye for anything suspicious."

Elizabeta was quiet for about a minute, appearing to be thinking very hard and struggling with conflicting emotions. Then she looked up at Harry. "I vill do it, meester Pierce. I'll do it for Loocas."

"Good!" said Harry. "Although I'm sure you know what happens if you abuse my trust?"

Elizabeta nodded and made a "slit-throat" motion.

"Get a good night's rest," said Harry. "Dimitri will pick you up and bring you to my office tomorrow morning, where you will be updated with what we know about Lucas so far and receive instructions. And one more thing, Elizabeta, you really need to lose that accent."

"I'll try meester Pierce."

"Good!"

[HellsBells]

As funny as ever Annie. Love Harry believing in aliens. You write the characters very well, especially considering the situation you have put them in to. The names of the Chinese agents make me laugh every time I read them. And an excuse for Lucas's crazy behaviour - brilliant!

[Annie]

Thanks HB! I really appreciate getting feedback. Especially good feedback! Hahaha!

I'm glad you think I don't get the characters too OOC. To be honest, I wasn't actually trying to be all that faithful, because this is obviously a crack fic, but it's nice to know I can sort of write them in character. As for Harry believing in aliens... can you really blame him?

The Chinese, hahaha... They weren't really going to be major characters, but I discovered I like them a lot. Their names are sort of "Asian villain stereotypes turned up to 11". For exemple Slithering Snake; From what little I know of Asian cultures, snakes aren't demonized the way they are in the west. Based only on that, it seems rather believable that such a code name could be bestoved upon a particularly stealthy and cold blooded agent as an honour. To a westerner, of course it immediately spells out "poisonous evil creep" because of our "Eww! Snakes!" attitudes. Again, I'm not aiming to make fun of Chinese culture or people, just of bad writing.

And yeah... I couldn't resist throwing in a bit of Lucas-explaination. One of the things that really bothered me in series 9 was how plain stupid he seemed to have become. This fic consists mostly of things I don't want to see in series 10, but I wouldn't mind a better explaination for that.