Epoque Ch. 3

[JHyde]

My argument for this next chapter is that people ultimately have to find a way to move on, whether it's because they work together or because they love each other, and both of these are true in this case.

This one's for Bea, who had a very long weekend x

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How they both managed any sleep at all was a mystery. Ruth tossed and turned and eventually cried - for George, for Harry, for chances lost and futures missed. Across and slightly down the hall, Harry wept. Any glimmer of hope he had held was extinguished that night, he thought. But he had said his piece. He could do no more. Now all he could hope for was some glimpse of redemption, that might make it possible to look in the mirror once more and count to ten without turning away.

Ruth splashed cold water on her face, as she dressed many hours earlier than she needed to. In truth, Harry's final sentence to her the night before was one she had needed to hear. His original apology, while heartfelt, was made in the early days of her return to England and was as much an absolution of guilt as anything else. This time, it was something more. It was the acknowledgement that she had lived a life while in exile, and that his placing trust in her once upon a time was indirectly responsible for that life's destruction. But Harry had also told her what had remained unspoken all these months since her return. He loved her still. Not in as many words, but the point had been tacitly made. He was hers, and once again, nothing was changing. They continued to circle one another like boxers in the ring.

She went through the motions of getting ready. Ruth knew all this; none of this came as a surprise. There was no denying anymore that this was a passion that kept them up at night, that absorbed too many of their waking moments. She had loved George, that was immutable. But it was only a shadow of the love that made her tremble as Harry had admitted his truth last night. She knew it to be true.

Ruth looked at her troubled reflection and didn't flinch. They had loved then, and they loved now. Surely the guilt had all been felt already, the apologies had all been said - there came a point when she said 'enough'.

"We've suffered enough."

She murmured this into the mirror, her conscience the only audience. None of it could be easy, and the future was empty, but if they had each other maybe they had a chance. Then she sighed. How many more chances could they have? They would continue to waltz, rather like a couple in a Depression era dance marathon, who kept moving out of sheer determination to survive, hoping to still be holding onto one another at the end.

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Harry and Ruth were once again drafted in to give their presentations to larger groups, this time including various Section Heads and dignitaries from other European security services. There was initial frostiness, not helped by the fact that they were forced to sit next to each together all morning, but the afternoon saw a late thaw. They parted in their typical courtly fashion; Harry relieved the day had gone better than he had dared hope, Ruth hoping she had been cordial but not forward. Harry dressed for his formal dinner, while Ruth settled herself in for a night with some of the files Tariq had sent her to work on. She popped in the USB that had been couriered over just for her benefit and settled down to work in her pyjamas and robe with a glass of wine. The wifi reception in her room left much to be desired, and once dressed down for the night she was loathed to get geared up again. It was, she reflected, Saturday night. So she had slipped quietly into the common room set aside for the use of Section D and the other counter terrorism units. She was alone with her work, and looked forward to a few hours of peace in the morning before she and Harry headed back to London in the late afternoon.

She had been at it for some hours and finished the bottle of wine when the door opened and she was surprised to see Harry, who was wrestling with his bow tie. He paused when he saw Ruth twisting in her seat at his intrusion and his eyes twinkled as he took in her casual apparel.

"You after changing the dress code, Ruth?"

She tried to laugh and drew her robe closer, all too conscious of the fact that she wasn't wearing a brassiere. "I didn't have proper reception in my room and wanted to get some work done. And you were all in the dining room - for a few more hours, I thought."

Harry sat across from her and stretched his legs out as he continued to struggle with his collar and tie.

"I simply tired of the constant politicking - I'd had enough for one evening. I'd won the important arguments early on and I just had no wish to remain caught between the DG and _____ in another round of hungry, hungry hippos. I get enough of that in London. Where are all the other analysts?"

Ruth directed her attention back towards her laptop screen, finding Harry's twitching with his collar both beguiling and annoying in equal parts. "There weren't that many of us who stayed beyond this morning - most went back after breakfast. There are a few downstairs playing gin rummy very poorly," she glanced at the surveillance monitor, "and the rest went out to the local pub, I think."

By this time Harry had fully twisted his bowtie round on itself several times and Ruth was tired of watching him. She looked him in the eye. "Do you need a hand with that? I didn't realise you were so anxious to get undressed."

He smiled, but before he could protest that he was more than capable, she was bending over him, the scent of whatever she wore right under his nose, her hair dangling loose and free in his face. "Tilt your head back, Harry." Her voice was tinged with impatience, but her fingers quavered a little as she reached under his chin. "I'm surprised you wear a clip-on."

Harry grimaced. "The others are prone to come loose at strange moments. Why are you working on Section files, Ruth? It wasn't necessary, I told you."

She waved her hand impatiently at his question, and instead swiftly removed the bow tie and tossed it carelessly to one side. Harry tried not to think how it might feel for her to undress him fully under other circumstances as she discarded the stiff collar and then tugged at his jacket.

"If you're getting relaxed you should take that damn thing off too. I don't know how you all wear them so long." She turned and retreated to the bar where she knew Harry could no longer see her face. Behind her, Harry hesitated only a moment before removing his jacket and answering as nonchalantly as possible.

"It's because women are so much nicer to us when we wear them."

Ruth turned around, a tumbler of Scotch in either hand, extending one toward him. "It's true that men should just wear suits all the time."

She regained her seat and sipped. She once again drew her robe closer, glancing downward to see how exposed she really was. They were modest, satin feel pyjamas, with simple ballet flats in the place of slippers - hardly revealing, but she still felt naked in his presence and was grateful he had shrugged out of the worst of his formal wear. Once again, they had shared a moment. Was now the time to be brave? So soon after last night? She swallowed and raised her head to meet his watching eyes.

"It's allright, Harry."

He nodded and, almost pleading, added what he had forgotten the night before. "You know I haven't forgiven myself, Ruth? I never shall."

She nodded in her turn. "Just as I never shall for roping him into my life without his knowledge. It's done, Harry." She looked away and drained her glass before speaking again. "We find a way to live with it. With each other."

She gathered her things, willing the laptop to shut down faster after saving her work.

Harry croaked "Ruth, I....it's always been so hard. Always. Stalemate, followed by trench warfare. There's nothing in between. I don't know what normality looks like."

Ruth thought carefully about what she wanted to say as stacked her things hastily and prayed they wouldn't fall out of her arms as she made her exit. It was her turn to make a speech.

"Harry, we can't do this anymore. One way or another it's time to make a choice. If we're going to do anything, it needs to be soon and we have to believe that we're doing something, going somewhere we haven't been before. We've both been through enough personal wars to know it's not easy, but it can't be any harder than this guilt and fear we live with. It can't be."

She turned and walked to the door, but then realised she couldn't open it with her arms full. She mentally chastised herself and was making for the door handle with her elbow when Harry's hand beat her to it. It opened slowly and his voice was low as he asked "What if it's not enough? If we can't....?"

His question hung in the air, unfinished, but she chose to answer it as she stepped into the corridor.

"Our eyes are open, Harry. We don't have unlimited chances and this time I'm not getting on a boat. I won't run."

She walked away slowly, juggling her load, while Harry watched her from the doorway, his chest constricting with emotion. He suddenly found he could breathe again.

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Hope this isn't too mad. Please leave your thoughts - I really do pay attention.

[Beatriz]

I love this chapter, I think it's very good, Ruth realising "We've suffered enough". So true, it's high time you realised that! Sometimes you have to stop and say that, and do whatever you have to do. It's a huge step what she's done, good for them!!

Poor Ruth, I can imagine her blushed when Harry came in and she in her pyjamas... So sweet Ruth helping Harry with his bowtie... And love Harry feeling her hair and her scent is aaaawwww

Thanks

[lwhite53]

Yep, this works -- congratulations!!

Loved the idea of Harry trying to look into the mirror and count to ten, replay of Adam's line to Danny re living with yourself after killing someone -- great image. Also loved Ruth's, "We've suffered enough." You have to forgive yourself before you can really forgive someone else. And her acknowledgment that they were both complicit in George's death, overt or covert -- it's all the same.

I also REALLY liked H speaking to his (and everyone else's) quintessential fear "What if it's not enough? If we can't . . ." Among all their other problems, this may be the key issue for both of them. Having idealized and idolized each other for so long, can they let go of the fantasy and find their reality? And is that a place where they can thrive together? Always a scary proposition when you take the leap of faith called love.

[Kirayuki]

I can't tell you how much i am loving this story!

Fantastic chapter yet again. I liked the mirror image of them both taking similar steps after they separated with the looking themselves in the eye etc... And i am really happy with how you made Ruth take the final step to admittance. It really fit well with the way their relationship is progressing.

Well done again and i'm looking forward to ch 4.

[Tea Lady]

This is very good, but hells bells! Is the ball in Harry's court then? That worrys me slightly if it is. Inaction being innate when it comes to his feelings. Come on Harry...

[JHyde]

I knew I'd get you cheering like it's a rugby match too, Tea Lady!

[Tea Lady]

Yes I am. I want Harry to take his hands out of his pockets and catch the blinking ball for once and stop looking at the floor while scuffing his shoes on the pitch like a 10 year old! Although I think Harry is more of a cricket man.

[Silktie]

Awww, you sell Harry short, Tea Lady! He did make the first move last time round. Let's hope he can do it again. Lovely chapter, I find it very believable that this is how Harry & Ruth would react in such a situation. Now, of course, you've created yourself the challenge of getting Harry to ask Ruth out again...Can't wait to see what you do with this.