Survivors' Guilt (Major S8 Spoilers)

[blackpearl23456]

Short oneshot based around 8.3. Major spoilers if you haven't seen it. Ros' thoughts only.

Survivors' Guilt

"Jo."

Amid the chaos and the screams, that was the only word Ros had been capable of uttering.

The Bendorf group had started scrabbling for the lift, anxious to get out of the bunker. Moments later and CO19 had come into the bunker, checking everything was all right before they too departed, leaving Ros to pick up the pieces.

But she had stayed on her knees on the floor. Even after she had called Harry to tell him what had happened, she still hadn't moved. Jo's round, blue eyes had met Ros' frozen gaze as she had fallen to the floor, her breathing already ragged as blood escaped through the gunshot wound in her chest. They both had known then that she would die for certain.

"I'm sorry," Ros had whispered over and over again as the light left the other woman's eyes. She had not held her in her arms as she had died; she had been too numb. She had been so young; she had had so much to live for. And all of that was gone now because of an impossible, split-second decision. Her decision. It had been her decision.

The tiny nod that Jo had given, hardly noticeable to anyone's eyes except Ros', wide open in shock, realisation and terror. Jo had known what would happen when Ros fired the gun. She had known that the bullet would go straight through Lambert, and then straight through her. Yet she had been selfless enough to tell Ros to do it anyway. That minute, barely discernable nod had said it all.

The image of Jo falling seemed to be burnt onto Ros' retinas as she lay awake in bed that night. The moment of silence after the gunshot, when everyone had been too shocked to do anything, when the reality of the situation had not yet sunk in, replayed in her mind. The tears came before she could stop them, dampening the pillow as she buried her face in it.

"I did the right thing."

That was what she kept telling herself. But had it been the right thing? It had been a matter of Jo's life, or everyone's, and Jo had been willing to risk herself for it. She was dead and gone, and it was Ros who had killed her. She had killed a member of her own team, a friend even: someone who she knew and cared for. She had to live with this guilt for the rest of her life. She had to live with the knowledge that she was the source of so much hurt and pain within Jo's family. Not to mention the despair that was so crushing at the Grid right now. She had gone back there once she had eventually dragged herself up from the floor to speak to Harry, only to find him without any words to say. Ruth too had been distraught, sat at her desk, a near-empty box of tissues beside her. Ros realised only now, here in her bed in the darkness when it was too late, that she probably should have said something to her, or at least sat beside her. But she didn't. She had been cold and aloof; too wrapped up in her own guilt to think that other people were hurting too. Ros couldn't help but feel that it should have been the other way round: that it should have been her who was holding Lambert, and therefore her who would have been killed. But then Jo would be the one lying awake at night, torturing herself with questions about something that had already happened.

But this guilt would never leave her. It was, after all, survivors' guilt.

[Nia M]

Thought I had seen this before. I meant to review on FF, but never got round to it

Ros trying to convince herself she made the right choice is quite a haunting image, but very well done

[JHyde]

Very believable, especially the bit about how Ros was too frozen to hold Jo as she died. It happened so quickly anyway. Thanks for posting.

[lwhite53]

We never really gave too much thought to Ros, after she killed Jo -- thanks!

[Kazters]

its what i thought was going through her head the next ep when she wasin bed wide awake at 5am reliving what happened to jo