Ruth's Diary - No. 15 (3.5)

[Beatriz]

Sorry guys, this is terribly late. Sometimes life gets in the way.

And thanks, as always, to JHyde who kindly helps me with my entries


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*Spoilers for 3.05*


[9th January 2005]

There's a man I find myself thinking a great deal about of late. His name is John Fortescue and we're keeping an eye on him. Not for anything he has done but rather because we fear others doing something to him. I found myself listening to those static surveillance tapes more times than necessary, time goes by quickly when you're doing something wrong. I must admit I have fantasized about meeting him...but of course that would be unprofessional and out of the question.

I was having tea and watching one of my all-time favourite films, when Malcolm popped by to give me more surveillance tapes of this man, I hardly looked at him as I was so engrossed by one of the best scenes of 'The Red Shoes’. I had Malcolm sign the tapes out lest I get caught. I know there's something wrong with what I'm doing if I'm asking Malcolm to sign stuff out for me but still....

[11th January 2004]

Harry, Adam and I were discussing the scientist Dr Newland yesterday. GCHQ has sent us some intel about him that he has a contact in Norway who will support his research into pneumonic plague, a huge step to biochemical warfare if he is successful. Adam wants Danny and Zoe to work together on this operation. I suggested it wasn’t a good idea (they're going away on an overnight ferry to Narwich together!) with all the unresolved issues between them, but my words went unheard.

I don’t think Danny has told Zoe what happened with Will’s brother. I approached him this morning but he didn’t seem too eager to talk about it. Meanwhile she seems so excited and utterly full of happiness making wedding plans...

I must admit not to envy, but certainly some wistfulness over Zoe's plans. I'm very, very happy for her, with no reservations. But sometimes it does feel like I'm here by myself, the odd one out on the Grid. This job can be very lonely and not just sometimes. It feels like all the time.

[12th January 2005]

Danny and Zoe are away, trying to talk sense into Newland. I suspect that mission won't go exactly as planned. There is too much involved and the money trail I found today suggests a greater commitment than first we thought on Newland's part. If he's already been paid by the North Koreans then he is in too deep. This is one of those times I am grateful that I am not a field officer.

Here, my life is on its own, strange, wrong course.

This morning I was listening to some new recordings (of John) and Sam interrupted me with questions and I ended up telling her all about him. I also found myself praying she can keep a secret.

So then I listened to the tapes. And found out that he was having lunch at Julie's, which is so close to work here at Thames House. And suddenly I was making a booking. And I wasn't Ruth anymore, just for a bit. Despite the thought of not going, I decided to go and have lunch there, only to see him. I had to EAT, after all. I sat at the table next to him (making a complete loon of myself with the waiter) and then, there he was. Unfeasibly handsome. We shared a few words, he dropped a knife and we both made for it. His hand brushed mine and, I'm ashamed to admit, my heart skipped a beat, I think I even blushed. Inmediately after, his friend arrived and it was all over. During their conversation I fell privy to the information that he was to be singing in a 'scratch requiem'. Who knew such things existed and in such an exquisite venue as St Martin's Fields?

This was going to be it, but Sam convinced me otherwise, to go for it... what could I lose? So I tried to tell myself I was just going to sing in a beautiful venue, singing an amazing piece of music, flexing my sight reading muscles (yes, I really did say that to myself!). And then suddenly (more suddenlys!) I was wearing a pretty dress and make-up and then Malcolm was at the door! (Somehow Malcolm became involved and decided he would come as my brother, which is really a little bit funny if you think about it too much.) He was so lovely and gentle throughout the evening, I''m glad he was there. I was as nervous as if it were my first date... and with him, I suppose it was. We introduced ourselves afterwards, drank and laughed and chatted and then...(outside the church, beside the fountain, dim lights...) the perfect moment came and...nothing. Nothing was said and nothing happened, only a cold ‘goodbye’.

What did I expect?

Fool's errand in every possible way. My shame was such that this morning at work I just tried to get on with things and Harry said something to me which made me think he knows about the whole silly business. I got on with things, as I always do. I know my place.


[20th February 2005]

This morning Harry held a disciplinary hearing with me about John Fortescue. It turns out he did know all about it as Sam was sent to spy on me. I'm not quite sure of Malcolm's involvement and am equal parts too angry and too ashamed to talk to him about it. God only knows why Harry waited so long to confront me about it.

Honestly, the most exciting part of the whole miserable affair is that it was, well, exciting. I signed up with Five for an intellectual challenge and it is most days. Most weeks. But everything has been so dull these last few months, really. The thrill of the chase for me is over quite quickly, a little like a good piece of chocolate.

I told him it won’t happen again. (I swear to God it won’t happen again, I keep repeating this to myself) Our job is to protect; to serve, to maintain the status quo; and I was doing none of those things. Harry was harsh, I understand why (although truthfully I think anyone else would not have gone through the whole rigmarole of a disciplinary hearing), but still he needn’t have done it quite so intensely. The thought flashed across my mind that he might have a conflict of interest, but that's rubbish, surely.

Surely.

[Aria]

Brilliant entry, Beatriz. You show Ruth's loneliness and her need for a connection with somebody beautifully. I loved the opening paragraph which set up the remainder of the entry. Her wistfulness at Zoe's happiness contrasted well with her inherent loneliness. Also her pessimism regarding her life away from MI5 comes through. Loved the line, "I got on with things, as I always do. I know my place." Liked the ending with her realising that Harry may have ulterior motives in disciplining her.

[Tea Lady]

Good entry. This just goes to show that while Ruth is confident dealing with work matters, she is not when it comes to personal matters. She is starting to wonder about Harry for the first time which is interesting. What is he about? I don't think Zoe helped Ruth at this time. It's human nature I guess to be happy for someone but at the same time, wish that it was happening to you as well.

[Silktie]

Terrific entry, capturing the essence of the whole Fortesque affair really well.

[lwhite53]

Great entry -- loved that Ruth knew what she was doing was wrong but went right ahead and did it anyway. And the juxtaposition of Zoe's happiness and R's loneliness was terrific. As was the the "thrill of the chase" and "chocolate" -- great imagery.

[spooksdreamer]

Brillantly written, Beatriz!