The GRuinard Project chapter 31

[khandy]

Chapter 31

Lucas North’s flat 05.00hrs

Lucas stirred slightly, vaguely aware of something warm against his cheek. His eyes fluttered open, squinting against the pale early morning sunlight that filtered in through the voile curtains at the window. It was the sun’s caress that was warming his skin. A pleasant weight lay nestled against his shoulder and an arm was resting across his chest. Lucas lowered his eyes and sighed; Kate she had kept her promise and returned. He buried his head against her soft hair, breathing in her fragrance, gently caressing her back, barely daring to believe she was real.

He lay for several moments simply enjoying the early morning peace and serenity and glanced around his bedroom really appreciating it for the first time. He had never thought of the flat as being home, but yesterday when it had looked like he would be hospitalised and he had been terrified of being among strangers all he wanted was to return to the comfortable familiarity of the flat, to rest in his own room and bed. He smiled slightly as he remembered how Kate had asked what he wanted besides her. It seemed he had got what he wanted, sleep.

The way his head felt, however, told him it was a drug induced sleep. It ached mildly, felt oddly woolly and heavy as if he had had a few drinks the night before. His mouth was as dry as sandpaper and had a foul taste in it. He turned his head to look at the clock and was not altogether surprised when the room spun round and his vision became slightly unfocused.

The pressure on his lower abdomen told him he had been a sleep a good while as he needed a pee. He sighed reluctant to leave the warmth and security of Kate’s arms but his normal bodily functions would not be denied and if he didn’t move he would pee in the bed.

He moved Kate’s arm from his chest and struggled to sit up. The task made difficult because his limbs were leaden. So difficult were they to move he almost had to physically pick them up and place them where he wanted them. Swearing quietly under his breath he rolled to the side of the bed and allowed his legs to drop over the side before sitting up. The mild dizziness he felt lying down became intense the moment he sat up and before he could stop himself he pitched forward on to his hands and knees on the floor beside the bed.

The movement of the bed as Lucas fell forward caused Kate to jerk awake suddenly.

“Lucas my god, are you ok?” she asked, as slipped out of bed and dropped to his side.

“Just really dizzy and in desperate need of a pee. Can you help me up?”

Placing an arm around his waist for support she steadied Lucas as he used the chest of drawers to stand up against. Taking very small steps they made their way to the bathroom. As they headed through the door Kate felt Lucas tense at the sight of the shower. She waited until he moved forward not wanting to push him.

“I nearly had it taken out when I moved back here,” Lucas said suddenly.

Kate looked at him.

“Why didn’t you then?” she asked surprised.

“My fear seemed so irrational, I told myself that I had to conquer it and taking the shower out was giving in,” he explained.

He turned and stood in front of the toilet.

“Can you manage?” she asked.

Lucas nodded his face reddening at the thought of Kate helping him pee.

“I’ll wait outside then,” she said.

Kate leant back against the wall of the hallway and yawned. Her shoulders were a little stiff from Lucas pulling her about yesterday but other than that physically she was none the worse for wear, but emotionally she was drained. She hadn’t looked in a mirror yet but she suspected that she would have to do a good job with the make up to cover up how tired she actually was.

She could hear Lucas brushing his teeth. Once he was settled back in bed she’d make a cup of tea, she really couldn’t function without her morning cuppa. She wondered how Lucas felt this morning; it was difficult to tell as he had been so focused on staying upright, that she hadn’t had chance to observe how he was. She sighed, his problem wasn’t going to disappear overnight; it would probably be months before he felt well again. It occurred to her that he would be off The Grid during that time and she wondered how Lucas would cope being away from MI5. The bathroom door opening interrupted her thoughts and Lucas came out.

“Feel better?”

“Semi human almost.”

“Let’s get you back to bed then.” Kate slipped her arm around Lucas’ waist.

“I thought Harry organised a nurse?”

“He did, he’s asleep in the lounge on the sofa bed.”

Lucas seemed puzzled.

“I thought he would have to stay in here with me?” he said, as Kate helped him back into bed.

“I told him to go and get some sleep. I am going to make a cup of tea would you like anything?”

“Some juice would be great. I’m so thirsty,” Lucas said still puzzled.

When Kate left the room he lay back against the pillow with his eyes closed, questions about her actions running through his mind. He was quite certain that neither Harry nor Dr Roberts had intended Kate to spend the night alone in his room; they would never have sanctioned it. Lucas sighed and he couldn’t blame them, not after he had attacked Kate. The bruises were not as deeply purple today but it would be several days before they faded from sight. Out of sight but not out of mind; Lucas knew he would never forget them and he doubted Kate would either.

His eyes opened as she walked back in the bedroom. She was wearing one of his t-shirts. It skimmed her thighs and swamped her petite frame.

Following his gaze she smiled.

“I know I’m stealing from you again. I must move my clothes here from the hotel. All this coming and going to the hotel to get changed is silly.” She slipped back beneath the covers as she spoke.

Lucas tensed almost scared to be near her; deeply concerned that he might hurt her again. He had been so relieved to wake in her arms that morning that he had ignored the threat he posed to her, but now he was awake and the sedation was wearing off he could see the marks on her skin where he had hurt her and that threat was brought into sharp relief.

Kate sensing his unease turned to look at him. Her dark brown eyes silently questioning him long before she spoke.

“What’s wrong Lucas? You’ve been tense ever since you realised the nurse slept in the other room.”

“He should not have left you alone with me. It’s not safe. I doubt the flashbacks are a thing of the past; I could hurt you again and the next time you might not be so lucky.”

Kate sighed trying not to be hurt by his words. Words that sounded as if he were about to send her away again.

“He didn’t want to leave, I made him. I guess I had to prove something.”

Lucas thought for a moment.

“What that you could trust me? You shouldn’t Kate; when gripped by a flashback I am not aware of anybody or anything. I could kill you before you could call for help.”

“No that’s not it. It wasn’t about trusting you, it was about trusting myself.”
It was obvious that Lucas didn’t understand; his brow crinkled as he tried to comprehend what she meant.

“I had to trust my love for you. I was scared last night when I sent the nurse away, but it had to be done. I had to trust that my love was strong enough to overcome my fear. I stood at the door for ten minutes or more thinking about how you attacked me. I realised that you didn’t know it was me and that made it more scary. But worse I was scared that I was the cause of the flashback and that the moment I touched you I would send you back there. For every step I took towards you I felt like taking two back. But do you know what?”

Lucas shook his head.

“The moment I got into bed and slipped my arm around you, all my doubts about being with you vanished. Oh I was still scared, still am truth be told, but curled up against you I was surrounded by your warmth, your fragrance, your strength and I knew I had come home.”

Lucas stared at her his ice blue eyes burning with emotion.

“What’s more I think you came home as well. When I climbed into bed you were restless and fidgety but a short while later you turned and pulled me close and then you quietened and slept. Face it Lucas we need each other.”

“You make it sound simple but I am so scared that I will hurt you again,” he whispered.

“Yes you might, but you know what? I would rather risk that than the slow agony of not being with you. Not being able to hear your voice or see your shy smile. I won’t believe that I should never touch you again Lucas. If you send me away they have won. Just like they would have won if I had allowed myself to be scared to stay alone with you so I trusted that my love was strong enough to deal with what happened and I will go on trusting my love.”

He put his glass down and pulled her into his arms.

“You really are amazing.”

“Ok if I am so amazing how come we have been awake for half an hour already and I have yet to receive a kiss, you’re slacking. Mr Bond wouldn’t have a woman in his bed and make them wait for a kiss.”

Lucas smiled.

“No but then Mr Bond doesn’t kiss like me. I may be slow but I’m worth the wait.”

“You certainly are Mr North, you certainly are,” Kate whispered before his mouth claimed hers.

They didn’t make love both just content to kiss touch and hold. Physical intimacy would come later. Now they both needed to talk.

“How’s your head today?” Kate asked as she sipped her tea.

“Fuzzy from the sedative but the sounds and images are quieter, less frantic.”

“That’s good isn’t it, that they are less frantic?”

“Yes I guess. It may be the effects of the sedatives. I think I need to put them in order. If I can find the first one then maybe the others will fall into place. At the moment it is like they are all fighting to be seen and heard.”

“Don’t push it I’m sure it will come.”

“Yeah I know it’s just that I’m not very patient‘”

“Well spend today catching up with Marcus.”

“Marcus, is he here?”

“Yeah you asked for him. Helen and him have been here since yesterday.”

“I asked for him and he came?”

“Of course I did. I made a promise to myself over thirty years ago that I would look out for my annoying little brother, nothing’s changed Lucas.”

Marcus stood in the doorway.

“I heard voices so I came to see if you want a cup of tea but I see you have already got one.”

Kate smiled.

“I’m glad you are up I need to have a shower, Ruth is picking me up at seven thirty, you two can catch up while I get ready.”

“I’ll have tea Marcus if you are making one,” Lucas told him.

“Ok I will be back in a moment.”

“Are you going to Brighton Kate?” Lucas asked when Marcus disappeared.

“Yeah I am, you know I have to go don’t you?” she said.

“Yeah I know but I don’t have to like it do I?”

She kissed him softly before getting up.

“Don’t worry I’ll be Ok.”

She headed off to the bathroom leaving Lucas with his thoughts.


Lucas North’s Flat 10.00hrs.

Lucas sighed, his home was full of strangers. He knew it was necessary but they were violating his space. The young field officer was sat at the dining room table reading a paper; a stark reminder of the threat he posed to those trying to help him.

The nurse, Paul was talking to the psychiatrist. Lucas frowned at the memory of him helping him wash and dress like some helpless invalid. He had wanted to refuse the assistance but his hands were too shaky, as much from the sedation as anything, to hold a razor and he had to admit he did feel better for having a shave. Once washed and dressed Paul had given him a drink and a tablet. He couldn’t explain how much he had wanted to refuse the medication. It seemed to Lucas that this was the ultimate weakness; by taking the pills he was admitting he could no longer function. He had been going to refuse to take them but it occurred to him that if he was not compliant with all his treatment then they would be forced to admit him to hospital which was the one thing he didn’t want.

That didn’t mean that he intended to take them unquestioningly and he was now waiting for the psychiatrist, who had arrived 15 minutes ago, to finish getting his update from Paul so he could ask about the role of medication in his treatment plan.

While he was waiting his eyes fell on the other two strangers. He had invited them here to his home; one of them he had known all his life, yet they had become strangers. Marcus and Helen had come the moment they had been contacted. The ties of blood were indeed strong and Lucas was pathetically grateful to his brother. Marcus’ words this morning had brought back childhood memories of him being the annoying little brother. They had been close as children and Lucas realised that the revelation that he worked for MI5 had hurt Marcus who had been unable to understand why Lucas had opted to keep his job a secret from his family. But they had an opportunity now to build on the foundations that had been laid at Helen’s party and rebuild their friendship.

The psychiatrist finished talking to Paul and turned to Lucas.

“Lucas, how do you feel this morning?” Matthew Roberts asked.

Lucas sighed it looked as if he was going to have to talk in room full of people
so much for privacy.

“Lucas?” Matthew was waiting for a reply.

“Can Phil wait in the hall?” Lucas glanced at the young field officer, “I feel uncomfortable talking in front of strangers.”

Matthew nodded that it was ok to leave them. Once he had gone Lucas answered the question.

“Shaky and vulnerable and in away disassociated with the present time.”

“How do you mean?”

“It’s like I am watching this on TV, that it’s not happening to me. I not sure but I think the sedation may have something to do with that,” Lucas said quietly.

“Possibly it has but yesterday you needed to sleep, you understand that don’t you Lucas?” Matthew looked at Lucas intently knowing that unless this young man trusted him, he would not be able to help him.

“Yeah I understand that, but to be honest I am not sure about the medication. A bunch of pills won’t eradicate my memories.”

“The medication is a very minor part of a wider treatment programme. Do you understand how it works and how it is used in conjunction with other therapies?”

“No I don’t know anything about them. It’s the word though, antidepressants, just thinking about that makes me feel so useless.”

“Ok so let’s give them a new name. How about Selective Serotonin Reuptake inhibitors or SSRI’s.”

Lucas smiled briefly.

“That’s a bit of a mouthful.”

“True how about 5 hydroxytryptamine or as its known 5 HT.”

Lucas shook his head.

“You doctors just can’t give anything a simple name can you? Ok let’s call them SSRI’s. Why do I need them?”

“Sir Harry warned me that you would be direct. Serotonin is a chemical produced in the brain, it is a neuro transmitter; in other words it helps pass on messages. It helps control among other things mood, appetite, sleep and memory. Research has shown that depression can occur as a result of low serotonin levels and that increasing levels can help patients with depression. Try thinking about them like iron tablets, you are just replacing something that you have too little of in your body.” Matthew watched as Lucas thought about what he was saying.

“Ok but you said they were just a part of a wider treatment plan.”

“Yeah they are. I want you to have a two week course of sleeping tablets to help you get into a sleep pattern. You admitted yesterday that in nine years you had only had one complete nights sleep. A short course of Zopiclone should help you. I also want to try exposure therapy. You had until yesterday suppressed your memories I want you to reface them. Starting today.”

Matthew turned to Marcus and Helen.

“You have to leave. At this point not only can this can be distressing to witness, also what Lucas reveals may well be classified”

Marcus saw the fleeting look of panic in Lucas’ eyes.

“If Lucas wants us here we will stay. We can sign the bloody official secrets act if we have to.” Marcus looked at his brother.

“Thank you,” Lucas said simply. He turned to the psychiatrist. “I can’t do this without him.”

Matthew Roberts looked resigned.

“Ok Lucas whatever you say. I want you to lie out on the sofa and get comfortable. I am going to ask you find your first memory of being a prisoner in Russia but remember you are safe now they can’t hurt you it is just a memory. Ok?” Matthew asked.

Lucas nodded and lay outstretched on the sofa, his eyes closed.

“Ok Lucas, what is the last thing you remember before Russia?”

Lucas closed his eyes and tried to relax.

“Running away, I remember running away.”

“What were you running from?”

“My divorce. I went to the coast, booked into a hotel.”

“What did you do there?”

“I met Kate; she was running as well, from her grandfather’s death. We spent the weekend together; just two strangers who were hurt helping each other.”

“Were you intimate with each other?”

Lucas coloured.

“Yes.”

“Yet you left, why?”

“Harry called, told me I had to leave.”

Matthew already knew this, having already spoken to Harry about Lucas going to Russia. He had a plan to stimulate Lucas’ memory. He quietly pressed his hand to a small tape recorder that he had taken out of his pocket. Harry’s voice filled the room.

“Romanov is on the move you need to be there to seal the deal. Your travel arrangements are made, your flight is at 10pm. I will meet you at the Albert at 2pm.”

Lucas felt as if the room was falling away, he tried desperately to cling to it but the image rushing into his brain was too intense.

He was alone in a deserted street. It was dark, the moon obscured by clouds. He was pleased about this it made the job of melting into the shadows easy. There were three or four cars parked. All of them were old and battered Ladas. Was there a worse car made, Lucas wondered. It looked like a child’s crayon drawing of a car would.

His mind wandered to the weekend he had just spent and he smiled. The woman had been amazing and not just in bed. She was thoughtful intelligent and funny. He could have spent hours discussing things with her even now he could hear her voice so soft and mesmerizing. He could have drowned in her soulful eyes a thousand times. He smiled he would never be able to smell strawberries again without thinking of her golden skin which thanks to her shower gel smelt of the summer fruit. He sighed annoyed with himself for not asking her name.

Footsteps approached quite close. If he had been concentrating he might have reacted quicker but there was no time to avoid the sharp jab in his neck. He fought to remain conscious to see who his attacker was but the drug was powerful and quick acting. Distorted faces appeared in front of his eyes, mere inches away from his face. Like the twisted images in funfair mirrors they danced about him, speaking like a record played on the wrong speed too slow and laborious. They made no effort to stop him staggering about like some Saturday night drunk, until his legs gave way. His head hit the pavement with a resounding thump and the darkness swallowed him.


He came round slowly, his head hammering, something damp and sticky at his temple. He reached up to feel what it was; blood he must have cut his head. A second later he realised he was naked. He opened his eyes cautiously, knowing the light would make the pain worse. He needn’t have worried, the room was in total darkness. He stood slowly and like a child playing blind man’s bluff he moved around the room. It was small, about ten feet square and completely empty. The floor beneath his feet was hard and cold; concrete he guessed, with no covering. By running his finger tips across the walls he worked out the structure was brick built with no windows

He sat back down; his mind going over what had gone wrong, waiting for somebody to come to him. He was unsure how long he waited but several hours passed, he periodically called out but nobody came. The slight discomfort in his lower abdomen and back passage increased to an intense pressure. He needed to pee and have his bowels open, with his captors not providing a toilet or even a bucket he was left with no option. Standing slowly he moved round the room to the corner and peed in the corner before turning to squat down to open his bowels.

Nobody came that first day, after the first few hours he stopped calling out; it was obvious they would come in their own good time. He sat against the wall and tried to sleep but he could only manage short periods of sleep. Three days later just when he thought he would go mad, the sliding of a bolt brought Lucas to his feet. A small shaft of light appeared at the bottom of the door and something was pushed through a small opening before the room was plunged into darkness once more. Lucas moved towards the door knowing this was food and water. It was impossible to see in the dark however and he knocked the water over. Swearing softly he did the only thing he could and he lapped the precious fluid from the floor. The bread he had been left with was spread with some kind of fat. It made him gag but knowing he would get nothing else he forced it down.


He tried to exercise, but weak with hunger and thirst he had to give up. Days passed and he began to fear that he would never be released. He was desperate to see another person. More and more he sank into his memories having conversations with his family and Elizaveta. Except it wasn’t Elizaveta. Who was this woman with her tousled pixie hair cut?

Then one day quite suddenly and without warning, the door was flung open. Relief washed over him he hadn’t been abandoned. Before he realised what was happening, he was dragged from the cell, his relief at having some form human of contact was short lived. His captors began torturing him on Christmas day, it lasted for eighteen continuous days and nights.

“Lucas!” a voice was calling urgently. “Breath Lucas.”

He felt himself gasp and his flat swam back into view.

Concerned faces came into focus. Lucas grabbed out at Marcus’ hand, desperate for some human contact. He took several huge deep breaths trying to control the tremors that shook his body.

Questions were visible alongside the deep concern in Marcus’ eyes. Lucas pushed up so he was sitting and without releasing his brother’s hand he slowly began to talk about those first days in Russia.

[Quill]

Chilling. It just shows what a waste of a rich character this last season was.

[HellsBells]

Totally agree with Quill. Super writing, a very gripping story.

[khandy]

Thank you because I invested so much in Lucas I was devasted by series nine

[BravoNine]

(03-12-2010 05:03 PM)khandy Wrote:  Thank you because I invested so much in Lucas I was devasted by series nine

You and me both my friend!

Glad to see we are both giving Lucas the justice and quality storyline he deserves!